Living Consciously

As a single mom it’s a given that my life is not in balance. I don’t have a supportive partner who is invested in the well being and survival of my children and my world. My deeper needs for emotional support, safety, and connection are not being met and honestly have not been met the majority of my adult life, but that’s a story for another day. This has left me carrying more than I can handle most days and spending most of my time in survival mode. Survival mode is very limiting. It comes with a lot of anxiety and at times states of depression. I’ve had to navigate life from this place for a long time. The good news is I have come a long way. As much as this experience has been painful and just down right sucky it has also been eye opening and transformative. As my girls have gotten older and I have worked hard to make sure I am setting my life up in a way that best supports myself and my kids, I have gained a bit more space to breathe. I have learned how to take really good care of myself and from this place more of me has started to open up. The desire to create, to connect within my community, to share, and stretch myself a bit has been bubbling up inside of me for a while now. Here is where the imbalance becomes tricky. As I follow my desire to step out into the world a bit more I can never lose sight of the parts of me that are unmet, that are suppressed and deprived. I have to remember that I am not standing on a very solid foundation. Truthfully my body won’t let me forget. I move between various states of inspiration, activation, to fear, over-stimulation and ultimately fatigue. One of things I’ve learned over these past several years is that we as humans tend to be very singularly focused. Whatever emotion, idea, trigger, stream of thought etc., is coming up within us at any given moment, it is all we focus on. We lose sight of all the other aspects of ourselves while getting lost in what is most prominent in the current moment's experience, good or bad. When things are feeling positive we forget those parts of us that still need healing or attention. When things are feeling negative we think it will never end and we can’t see beyond it. I struggled with this for a long time. I was like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth and all around. Through the practice of self awareness and what I was learning through other spiritual teachers was to practice the expansion of that awareness. The truth of this reality is that opposing truths can coexist. I have had to learn how to create space within myself to be present with all the parts of me at any given moment. From there I can make the best choices for myself. Sounds fairly straight forward right? It is much easier said than done. When you exist in such an imbalanced state, moments of conflict within you are going to happen frequently. As I step in one direction another part of me pulls in the opposite. I can’t sit here and tell you I have the answers to fix this. This is one of those circumstances in my life that right now is beyond my control. I will say that facing this is a powerful practice of conscious living. In order to continue taking care of all the contrasting parts of me I have to practice moment to moment awareness. Checking in with myself as I navigate my days and make decisions helps me stay in my lane so to speak. I try to only stretch myself as far as the opposing aspects will allow. Recognizing where stepping out of my comfort zone is needed versus the times I may be bulldozing parts of myself. I know many people can relate to this experience whether they understand it or not. I see it happening in people all the time. Any time we experience overwhelm, anxiety, fatigue, or depression it is assured that there is some aspect of us that is not being taken into account or being fully met. I know that this may seem overwhelming to know where to even begin reconnecting or even understanding what’s happening within us on a deeper level. Simply acknowledging that something more is there underneath the surface without judging it can be a powerful first step in expanding your awareness to encompass your whole beautiful self. Keep going.

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