 “I am making a home inside myself.
A shelter of kindness where everything is forgiven, everything allowed—a quiet patch of sunlight to stretch out without hurry, where all that has been banished and buried is welcomed, spoken, listened to—released. A fiercely friendly place I can claim as my very own. I am throwing arms open to the whole of myself—especially the fearful, fault-finding, falling apart, unfinished parts, knowing every seed and weed, every drop of rain, has made the soil richer. I will light a candle, pour a hot cup of tea, gather around the warmth of my own blazing fire. I will howl if I want to, knowing this flame can burn through any perceived problem, any prescribed perfectionism, any lying limitation, every heavy thing. I am making a home inside myself where grace blooms in grand and glorious abundance, a shelter of kindness that grows all the truest things.” -Julia Fehrenbacher -
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 I've been seeing a lot of posts about how happiness is a choice. People talk about how happiness should not depend on things happening outside of you and that it should just come from within you. If seeing a post like this makes you feel like crap, well guess what you should because it's not true. What's not often talked about, especially in the spiritual world, is that we are an interdependent species. We need connection, we need safety, we need validation and a safe space to create and express ourselves with the people in our world in order to maintain our well-being. Happiness is a byproduct of all the choices we make from day to day and all the experiences we've had in our lives. If we are struggling to find happiness it is up to us to first understand ourselves, our feelings and our needs at the most fundamental level to then make the choices we need to make to align with the people, the places and the experiences we need to create our joy. Joy and Pain coexist. We cannot have one without the other. It is when we can be in our most authentic self, be present with our trauma, and hold space for all our beautiful diverse aspects that we can truly find and experience happiness.
 As a single mom it’s a given that my life is not in balance. I don’t have a supportive partner who is invested in the well being and survival of my children and my world. My deeper needs for emotional support, safety, and connection are not being met and honestly have not been met the majority of my adult life, but that’s a story for another day. This has left me carrying more than I can handle most days and spending most of my time in survival mode. Survival mode is very limiting. It comes with a lot of anxiety and at times states of depression. I’ve had to navigate life from this place for a long time. The good news is I have come a long way. As much as this experience has been painful and just down right sucky it has also been eye opening and transformative. As my girls have gotten older and I have worked hard to make sure I am setting my life up in a way that best supports myself and my kids, I have gained a bit more space to breathe. I have learned how to take really good care of myself and from this place more of me has started to open up. The desire to create, to connect within my community, to share, and stretch myself a bit has been bubbling up inside of me for a while now. Here is where the imbalance becomes tricky. As I follow my desire to step out into the world a bit more I can never lose sight of the parts of me that are unmet, that are suppressed and deprived. I have to remember that I am not standing on a very solid foundation. Truthfully my body won’t let me forget. I move between various states of inspiration, activation, to fear, over-stimulation and ultimately fatigue. One of things I’ve learned over these past several years is that we as humans tend to be very singularly focused. Whatever emotion, idea, trigger, stream of thought etc., is coming up within us at any given moment, it is all we focus on. We lose sight of all the other aspects of ourselves while getting lost in what is most prominent in the current moment's experience, good or bad. When things are feeling positive we forget those parts of us that still need healing or attention. When things are feeling negative we think it will never end and we can’t see beyond it. I struggled with this for a long time. I was like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth and all around. Through the practice of self awareness and what I was learning through other spiritual teachers was to practice the expansion of that awareness. The truth of this reality is that opposing truths can coexist. I have had to learn how to create space within myself to be present with all the parts of me at any given moment. From there I can make the best choices for myself. Sounds fairly straight forward right? It is much easier said than done. When you exist in such an imbalanced state, moments of conflict within you are going to happen frequently. As I step in one direction another part of me pulls in the opposite. I can’t sit here and tell you I have the answers to fix this. This is one of those circumstances in my life that right now is beyond my control. I will say that facing this is a powerful practice of conscious living. In order to continue taking care of all the contrasting parts of me I have to practice moment to moment awareness. Checking in with myself as I navigate my days and make decisions helps me stay in my lane so to speak. I try to only stretch myself as far as the opposing aspects will allow. Recognizing where stepping out of my comfort zone is needed versus the times I may be bulldozing parts of myself. I know many people can relate to this experience whether they understand it or not. I see it happening in people all the time. Any time we experience overwhelm, anxiety, fatigue, or depression it is assured that there is some aspect of us that is not being taken into account or being fully met. I know that this may seem overwhelming to know where to even begin reconnecting or even understanding what’s happening within us on a deeper level. Simply acknowledging that something more is there underneath the surface without judging it can be a powerful first step in expanding your awareness to encompass your whole beautiful self. Keep going.
 Your power lies in your ability to be fully present in each moment. I had a really hard time grasping this concept. I would read about the idea that all we really have is right now, this moment. It took me a long time to see how truly disconnected I was from myself and whatever was happening in any given moment. When you’ve lived a certain way for so long it takes time to even understand what may be affecting your reality and or perception. With lots of time and practice of becoming more deeply aware of my inner world I started to recognize the disconnect. I could see how focused my mind was on the meanings I was attaching to what was happening around me as well as rumination on anything my ego mind was determining as unsafe. My feelings at any given moment were more about past experiences or future fears instead of feeling into what was happening right in front of me, good or bad. It’s taken a lot of time and hard work to process through all the things that were disconnecting me from my body and the moment. I am still working on it to this day. My ability to be more deeply present within myself and what’s happening around me has been a huge part in clearing out the clutter that has kept my reality distorted. Being completely present with what is happening within me, especially with my more intense emotions, is the most powerful healing tool I use. I’ve made significant progress and I can see the power that being fully present can create. It is this moment that all other moments are birthed from. When I can relax into myself and what's happening around me I find myself aligning with a flow that opens up possibilities and experiences that I wouldn't have been able to see coming otherwise. I’m not sure I’ll ever truly master this. As a human I don’t think it would be possible to not lose myself from time to time but I can see the potential in continuing this practice. One moment at a time.
 "Sometimes life changes in ways you can’t control. Sometimes strong is your only choice. Sometimes the support and resources you need are just not available. Sometimes you have to let go of things you want because your capacity is limited. It feels dark, and overwhelmingly heavy most of the time. Your life may need to remain small so you can focus on what’s most important in order to survive, to heal, to transform. Putting one foot in front of the other. Focusing on one step, one moment at a time. Radical acceptance and surrender may be your only means of maintaining any sense of peace." Diana Lee
For me one thing is for sure, I was led into my journey towards healing by a force that was beyond my control. Things unfolded in my life that I wasn’t able to see coming and nothing I did to change it or deny it did anything but cause me more more pain. The only thing that kept me going was a deep knowing that things were happening on purpose and I had to keep showing up. Unfortunately life often has to become really uncomfortable in order for us to face the things we’ve been running from. This journey can be compared to the process of giving birth. Intense moments of contraction where you are forced into the darkest parts of your subconscious in order to come face to face with suppressed trauma, grief, or painful beliefs. All of this is happening while you are still having to show up for your life and all the responsibilities that come with it. The process of peeling back layers to get to the lost parts of ourselves can often feel like we are about to break. I started to recognize this pattern of contraction and tried to help prepare myself for them. When you start to contract the fear takes over and it can be impossible not to resist. I was learning the art of surrender while recognizing my instinctual fight or flight responses. So I wrote myself a reminder to help keep myself anchored during these deep dives. Here is what I wrote to read to myself when I felt I was contracting inward. “It’s going to pull you in tight. The panic and resistance will be overwhelming. You will feel like you have to protect yourself from everything outside of you. Your mind is going to spin, it won’t be able to make sense of what’s happening. It will be instinct to run, fix, escape. It will be hard to see the purpose. Anger, fear, heartache, will be bubbling right at the surface. You’ll be looking through a distorted lens that will make everything around you look daunting and unsafe. Your reactivity will be uncontrollable. Everything will look and feel like it’s the worst thing in the world. Breathe into each moment. Focus on one moment at a time pausing with your breath. This would not be happening if it wasn’t necessary. You do not need to have all the answers. Let the wave take you where you need to go. You are not just doing this for your own evolution, you move through this for your girls and for all of humanity. Experience the depths of despair that exists on this planet. Feel it fully for everyone who can’t face it. Let go of everything that is not important in each moment and keep yourself grounded in what’s absolutely necessary and right in front of you. Be with and fully in the disconnection and discomfort” Reading this now I recognized what a powerful act of self love this was. I remember how much it helped me stay a bit more centered when things were getting stirred up. It helps me even to this day. I share this in hopes it may help someone else who is facing a similar path. We often suffer in silence feeling like we are the only ones experiencing this and it may feel like no one wants to hear about the darkness that comes with trying to heal and reconnect with our deepest selves. I have so much more to share even if it’s just so someone can read it and feel less alone. There are moments of light as you navigate this dark tunnel and I promise you that if you keep going the light will become more and more frequent and brighter as you reclaim your most powerful, radiant self.  Are you feeling it? I am! The full moon has affected me since I was a child. I would just be awake all night just before or during a full moon. My oldest daughter has also been affected by the full moon. Nowadays I work in an elementary school and the approaching full moon is always quite obvious. Sometimes it makes my energy vibrate. Along with paying attention to what the energy might be bringing up, here are some things I do to help me move through the intense energy.
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August 2024
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